Dear Jakey,

Your brother should be home in about 10 minutes and then we will bring him to see you. He looks forward to it each day I think and I like the routine. This morning we were talking about you. He wanted to know if you ate gum in Heaven. I said you did. And I told him that the first kind you had was Chicklets like they give out at the Mexican Connection. You never got to enjoy gum and Ethan always told us that you told him it was okay for him to have yours. I told Ethan that you were probably wondering what was so great about it all this time and wanted to try it ASAP. Anyways, that somehow led us to talking more about you. We ended up remembering the nights he wanted you in bed with him. He so often wanted to be able to spend the night with you but I never let him. I always worried he was too wild in his sleep or slept too soundly to know if something was wrong. We often talked about the day that he would be old enough and I would let it happen. Even if it meant I slept in there too. But today he was mad. He was mad that it never got to happen. We talked about the nights that I did let him fall asleep snuggling up to you. Most times you fell asleep too. It was beautiful. But I always carried you out at a certain point to be with me. And Ethan was mad. He told me that I promised that he would be able to spend the whole night with him. I could only say I was sorry, I thought we had more time. But we ran out of time Jakey. I am sorry to Ethan and I am sorry to you. I know you would have liked it.

I miss you. I can’t imagine that I will feel like this forever but I can’t imagine feeling better either. The only thing that feels better is that each day that passes is one day closer to seeing you again. One day closer. I love you peanut.