Dear Jakey,

So it is New Year’s Eve. I am looking forward to a very very low-key night. Auntie Spunky and Dave left this morning. Uncle Steve is here. We are cooking some food, watching TV and missing you. I may not even stay up until midnight this year because I had a tough night last night. I want to see you first thing to wish you a Happy New Year and I want to start 2011 in as positive as way as possible. It has to get better and it has to get easier. I need to remember that you are in Heaven happy and peaceful – probably with a whole set of friends. I know you have Josie, Doris and Alcira up there. But you also have Nola, Hunter, and Jasper to hang with. I bet you have more than we can even imagine here on Earth.

Last night we went to see you after being out and about for the afternoon. Ethan and Spunky picked out a necklace for you and brought it over. This morning Ethan went over each bead and reiterated what we all know but sometimes forget to believe. He had chosen the peace sign as one of the beads and said it was because you were now in peace. It is so nice to think that way yet so very hard.This morning we also saw a yellow rose that someone had left you. I don’t know who but you keep getting visitors and I just love it. I hope you feel the love. We also noticed that the birds had already eaten all the food so we went and got some more and filled it up. You have such a beautiful space.

Before bed last night Ethan asked what I missed the most about you. I told him that I missed holding you. Because I held you so often – to snuggle, to eat, to drink, to burp – everything. I feel so empty. I asked him and he said that he missed holding you too. He used to love when I put you on his lap. He would be so gentle. We all miss you so very much. I know you know that but it is just so impossibly hard.

So Jakey, we are headed over in about an hour to see you again. And then we will be back early. I might run over or maybe we will all walk. Either way we’ll be there early to see you in 2011. I hate 2010 for what happened to us. I can only pray for your continued peace and our strength to keep living and keep remembering that each day brings me one day closer to you.