Dear Jakey,
I sit here tonight doing some work on the couch and ended up on facebook putting up a picture from Ethan’s art show tonight. Somehow I clicked on the album to look at all the mobile pictures I have uploaded and as I was flipping through them it made me cry. Everything carries such weight now. Nothing is easy and light and normal. Or at least not normal the way it used to be. The pictures went from tonight with Ethan and his painting to our visit in Maine to a few randoms to pictures of your grave. And those pictures were filled with snow, Christmas Day, then the one month anniversary, then the planting of your tree. And then the picture of all 4 of us at Tunison when you were lying there. It was taken on December 10th, two days after you left us and our world changed. And right before that is December 4th when we went to the Snow Ball in the Hall at the Hall of Springs. And for some reason that event has become the line in the sand. At that event I was happy and you were alive. After that event you died and I am sad. I don’t think I can ever not think of that event as the culmination of my “before”. Everything about that night was different from life now. Even my hair was still long and light. Now it is short and dark. I don’t know how to accept where we are now. I plug along and then I see pictures or I hear stories or I just notice the difference. And I don’t like it. I want to remember how you felt with me. And I really only remember what you felt like cold. I miss you so much my little peanut. I wish you were here.
Love,
Mommy