There is no denying that you are ever-present today. It’s funny because I get myself all wound up sometimes with thoughts of you. Yesterday you were in my head all day. I can’t blame it entirely on being at the hospital but I know it had something to do with it. It always feels strange being there. And even stranger when people talk about their good experiences there. It sucks to sit there and think about how you died there. Anyways, on top of those thoughts I have been thinking about all the work we are doing at the house. We’ve got new windows which isn’t a big deal but we ended up painting the TV room and kitchen and they look very different. It makes me wonder about what you think about it. And if you are okay with it. I know that may sound weird but its true. And then there is you and Ethan’s room – which was always a bit more Ethan’s room than yours but it my heart it is still yours too. Your bed is in there. And some of your clothes and things remain in there. And now it is looking so different. And while it is exciting to give Ethan a big boy room, it really is one of those bittersweet things where the change sometimes stops me in my tracks. Especially when I was scraping wallpaper during the day and painting – it was kind of like tiling the bathroom – something I can do now but couldn’t have done before.
But then this morning came. And we had an early morning phone call from Tuck. And her Julia left a message singing “oh Jakey tree, oh Jakey tree” and it just about stopped us in our tracks in a good way. And then I went snowshoeing with Cynthia and she talked about how her kids have been talking about you lately. And then when I got home there was an email from Daddy of a picture of a cardinal outside his window at work today. And I remember that you are with us. And I convince myself that it will be okay. But it doesn’t change the hardness of it all. And that even though we are doing good in your name and I have been busy all week ordering equipment, writing letters and trying to help – I still mostly just want it to be like it was because I miss you on my lap and on my arm. I guess I can only ask that you stick close and if not always close to me than close to our friends because I love when they can share stories of you. And when other kids are closer to you now then even when you were here. And that you give so much to everyone still.
But I miss you.