Dear Jakey,

We are in Plum Island. It is our 8th year, our 4th without you. I know you would like our house so much and I can kind of feel you near. It’s the same house as last year and I can’t imagine being anywhere else, except maybe the house we were in for two years with you. That house is right behind us and last night their porch was filled with a family. And it made me think of when we were there with you. I can close my eyes and picture you on the couch in the front room or on my lap on the porch and it seems like yesterday. I get so choked up some times and need to reset. I never know when that moment will come but it came hard on Friday.

We had such a nice couple days before leaving for PI. We had 6 JHFH deliveries and they were each pretty amazing. I have everything ordered and we got everything that arrived delivered before vacation. This particular batch (and likely because it was done in such a short amount of time) really hit home with me. We have such a varied group of families with so many different needs all brought together by you. You are the common factor in all of them and because I am your mom I am so connected to our families. Anyways, on the way home from our last delivery I got so overwhelmed. And Ethan and Sarena were so loud, not loud in a bad way. Just loud in a two kids that have been in the car for hours and are now stir crazy loud. And I just got sad. All the noise made me realize that what I miss sometimes so much is the quiet. The quiet connection that you and I had. When we would just be, when just holding you while you slept was enough. And now life does not have those moments and I miss them so very much.

Yesterday we got up and ready to leave. And I was still coming to terms with what was spinning through my head. Daddy brought the vacation sign we bought in Aruba to your grave and it made me start to get out of my head and feel better. I never know what it will be that will bring me back. And then you, the cardinal, flew around and I let out a deep breath and all was once again good. At least for now. Thank you buddy.