Dear Jakey,

It is a rainy morning and there is no school today. Ethan and I are being a little lazy – watching TV and snuggling on the couch. It is moments like these where your presence is so missed. I remember the hardest part for me about having you both in school was that there weren’t quite as many moments like this. And these moments are and have always been my favorite part of being a stay at home mom. That freedom to take the time to snuggle and enjoy a rainy day with my boys. So today, we miss you extra.

I have struggled with writing lately. So much to say but really all the same stuff. I continue to be a little jealous of Ethan and his ability to say what we are thinking, or at least what I am thinking, with no hesitation. At your grave the other night he asked if you had been dead a year yet. And we told him no, that it was just about 10 months. And we knew what he meant – it seems like you have been gone forever sometimes – because life does just go on. Days blend into weeks which blend into months and here we are, almost a year later. I look at how big Ethan has gotten and it makes me wonder what you would look like now – would you have put on weight? would you have kept getting longer and longer? I have been organizing lately and I have found so many albums and pictures of you and seeing all your different looks – when you were such a chubby baby, and then when you got so skinny and then all the ups and downs with the diet. I keep touching pictures lately almost as if I wish that by touching them I could for just a second feel you again.

We are getting a hamster Saturday. Ethan is beyond excited but told me yesterday that he wished you waited at least until Sunday to die so that you could have met the hamster. Not a thing goes by in this family of ours without us thinking about how it would have been with you. There is no other way to say it then to say it just feels wrong without you. I try to remember that you are in Heaven and more comfortable but I would rather have you here still fighting the fight with us. I miss your smirk and your braveness. I miss your arm when it would get flailing when I overfed you. I miss your big boy burps. I miss it all.

Lot of love,