Dear Jakey,

It is time for another list. I am trying so hard to stay positive and honor your spirit. I was thinking about how hard I tried to stay positive when you were here with us and really how easy it was a lot of the time. I can’t lie to you because you knew how hard it was sometimes but you also know I tried. And I don’t want to start letting you down now. I want to honor your fight and stay strong because I never want you feeling bad about what happened. I want you to know that I think I understand. So, today, December 27th, 2010 at 3:19 pm I am thankful for the following:

1. My Volvo – today when Ethan and I went to go see you, the cemetery roads had not been plowed. Because of my volvo and its 4 wheel drive I could safely bring us to you for our morning visit. It was beautiful and crisp.

2. Friends – we noticed another thoughtful and beautiful addition to your space. A beautiful bird feeder hanging off the tree with a note to you from an anonymous friend. The perfect addition to your peaceful space.

3. Friends part two – last night before the snow we packed up all the gifts and cards people left you into a box. We put it under the Christmas tree with our gifts. It feels nice.

4. That through this devastating time, the kindness of others keeps us strong. And that stronger friendships are emerging.

5. Fame by Irene Cara. I went to warm pilates today and that song was on. I always liked it but as I suffered through Jenilee’s insane ab workout I thought about the cheesy lyrics ” I’m gonna live forever, I am gonna learn how to fly,I’m gonna make it to Heaven. Baby, remember my name” It made me smile and think of you. It also made me smile because you knew my inner geek so well. You would have appreciated the moment.

6. Ethan – his love and compassion stems from you. You taught him so much, more than he is even able to realize right now. But you helped make him such a compassionate soul and you are doing even more now. You also are helping me raise him with some faith and religion. We need it to keep us going.

7. That you smiled and visited Abue the other night. Although I would like a visit and a smile too!

8. Friends again – that we are blessed to be surrounded by amazing folks. And that Steve, Spunky and I think Dave will all be arriving over the next few days.

9. As much as I hate and despise December 8th, 2010 – you spent your time here showing us and the world all that you were capable of. Damn those who didn’t see it. You were so much more than a boy with seizures in a spica. You were strong and amazing and you called the shots. I (mostly) believe you called the shots that day too. And you quietly went home to live out eternity without such hardships. I am glad you were on my lap with me. I couldn’t have it any other way. I will always wish I could have done more but I will try to accept that maybe you were calling the shots.

10. You. I will always be thankful for you. That I got to be your mom. That I had the privilege to take care of you, watch you grow, feed you, bathe you and love you unconditionally from the moment I knew you were in my belly. I am so incredibly heartbroken but know I could only feel such loss since I felt such love. I wouldn’t trade the love we had for anything. I just wish it was longer here on Earth –  but it will never change and never end.

With the most love ever,

Mommy