Dear Jakey,

I miss you my peanut boy. I realized last night that Daddy and I are now members of a secret club. A club no one ever wants to be a member of but when you meet someone else in it you feel instantly connected to them for life. The club is those parents who lost kids. They are the kindest people you ever meet. They look you in the eyes and tell you that they know your pain. And you know and they know there is only one way to know that. In that instant you feel better, less alone. I am grateful for those who welcome Daddy and I because whether we talk a lot about it or not at all, it is somehow comforting to see others who have managed to survive this.

In the midst of all this chaos, I am trying to remember good things. When I started these letters I told you sometimes there would be lists. It is time for another ten amazing things about you and our life together.

1. The 4 years, 7 months and 4 days I spent with you are the most amazing, fulfilling and wonderous days of my entire life. Nothing will surpass them.

2. The 40 weeks you were in my belly and were mine alone will always be a most precious and beautiful gift.

3. When Daddy told me that I extended your life with the care I gave you, I have never loved him more. You have brought me even closer to my best friend.

4. I will always look at that picture of you, Ethan and Ava on the rug at our old house and remember your voracious spirit, even as a wee one.

5. Every night that you calmed down when I laid you on my arm and then promptly fell asleep let me know that I was sometimes the only one who brought you comfort. Selfishly, I liked that.

6. I love your finger painting that is hanging in the play room. It is beautiful and I love that it is up for all to admire.

7. I love that you made the world a better place. That you made people better people. That through you we can continue to make things better.

8. I haven’t heard it in years but your belly laugh was by far the best thing ever. It was contagious and silly and everything happiness is about. I know you are laughing in Heaven and I can’t wait to hear it when I get up there.

9. That when I close my eyes really tight I can picture you and it always brings me joy. Please help me to keep that strong and fight the negative pictures that break me down.

10. Your hair after a bath was perfection. Adorable curls. Coconut oil smelling beautiful baby boy. The love of my life you were and are. Be happy in Heaven, watch over us, help us and get ready for us.

Jakey, I am trying so hard to just think of the good. And not let my heart fill with anger. But I am so very angry that I have to go on without you. I want that moment back and I want to change it. I want to do something different. I want to have saved your life. I want you back. Jakey, I need you buddy. I need you to help me. I love you with my whole heart and soul.