Dear Jakey,
Thank God I started these letters. I have always had them brewing in my head and once I started writing them down I felt better. Better because I felt a direct line of communication with you. Just between you and me. And now I try to believe that the same line of communication is present. I have written so many letters to you in my head over the last few days and I am not sure what will actually come out. I switch between absolute anger and what I belive to be true hatred – anger and hatred to all those who have never lost a child. Anger and hatred to all those you never really understood our day-to-day. And in reality nobody outside of your brother or Daddy really know what our days entailed. So I sort of hate them all. But then Jake, I think of you. You did not hate people or get angry at them. You persevered. And you put up with everything and everyone. I don’t know how you did it.
And when I get over the hatred and anger for the moment, I sometimes feel proud. So proud of you. So proud to be your momma. So many people came out on Sunday to pay their respects. People flew in just for the day. People travelled to meet you for the first time. People supported your mommy and daddy. Not really because of us, but because of you.
And then the pride leaves and I am just plain sad. More than sad really. Utterly and completely and totally devastated. I picture your last 30 minutes and wishing I could change the outcome. Wishing I knew enough to know that you were dying in my arms. Wishing that it never ever happened. Wishing that I could lose that visual. Wishing it was all a bad dream.
But it is not. You died 6 days ago. I will never snuggle with you. I will never smell you. I will never watch you grow up. There will be no more pictures of you through the years on my wall. Ethan will have a school picture every year. You will only have one – last years. Prospect didn’t have their pictures yet this year so we only have last year. It kills me that Ethan will take over the school picture wall and you will only be there once. How is that even fair? It isn’t. Not even close.
So we did the best we could today – Daddy and I bought you a Christmas tree and planted it next to you. We talked to you all day and we visited with you. We brought Ethan back after school. He picked ornaments from our tree at home to put on yours and I know you love them. We read you the story of “Who Loves Ethan and Jake?”. And we hung out. Before dinner we toasted you and decided that would be a new tradition. And we try to support Ethan. He is struggling. He loves you. He misses you. He tries to understand but it is hard. Please snuggle him and support him. He needs that and he needs you.
Jake, I believe you visited me last night. Please keep doing that. I struggle at night. I guess it wasn’t just you that needed me to sleep – it was me that needed you too. I slept for a bit last night but by 2:00 was wide awake. I wonder why – that was always your wake up time. I ended up going to your room and snuggling up with your clothes on your bean bag. It was then that I felt you. I tried to breathe you in. I hope it was you. I believe it was you. I desperately need it to be you.
Love,
Mommy
I’m sorry that you’re feeling such hate and anger right now but BELIEVE me your Dad and I felt your struggle everyday,too and tried very hard to be there for you. I suffered twice as much because you’re my little girl and there was not a DAMN thing I could do to make it easier for you and at the same time I saw my “nene lindo” fade away from us.
Please don’t shut people out. We love you and do our best but sometimes it’s so very hard to get close to you.
We love you and we’re hurting too.
xoxoxoxo
There have been a couple of times over the last few days when I have felt scared to do what I know I should do. I’ve hesitated and then thought of Jake.
I thought of all that he faced and how brave and strong he was. I thought to myself – what am I being so scared about – how does this even compare to everything that Jake faced? Then I’ve realize I can absolutely face the challenge and do what needs to be done without being scared.
I do believe it was Jake who you felt – and that he will find his way to Ethan, too.
Queridos todos:
Nos unimos con un abrazo al dolor de ustedes y les enviamos unas palabras de San Agustin:
LA MUERTE NO ES EL FINAL (San Agustín de Hipona)
La muerte no es nada, sólo he pasado a la habitación de al lado.
Yo soy yo, vosotros sois vosotros.
Lo que somos unos para los otros seguimos siéndolo
Dadme el nombre que siempre me habéis dado. Hablad de mí como siempre lo habéis hecho. No uséis un tono diferente.
No toméis un aire solemne y triste.
Seguid riendo de lo que nos hacía reír juntos. Rezad, sonreíd, pensad en mí.
Que mi nombre sea pronunciado como siempre lo ha sido, sin énfasis de ninguna clase, sin señal de sombra.
La vida es lo que siempre ha sido. El hilo no se ha cortado.
¿Por qué estaría yo fuera de vuestra mente? ¿Simplemente porque estoy fuera de vuestra vista?
Os espero; No estoy lejos, sólo al otro lado del camino.
¿Veis? Todo está bien.
No lloréis si me amabais. ¡Si conocierais el don de Dios y lo que es el Cielo! ¡Si pudierais oír el cántico de los Ángeles y verme en medio de ellos ¡Si pudierais ver con vuestros ojos los horizontes, los campos eternos y los nuevos senderos que atravieso! ¡Si por un instante pudierais contemplar como yo la belleza ante la cual todas las bellezas palidecen!
Creedme: Cuando la muerte venga a romper vuestras ligaduras como ha roto las que a mí me encadenaban\ y, cuando un día que Dios ha fijado y conoce, vuestra alma venga a este Cielo en el que os ha precedido la mía, ese día volveréis a ver a aquel que os amaba y que siempre os ama, y encontraréis su corazón con todas sus ternuras purificadas.
Volveréis a verme, pero transfigurado y feliz, no ya esperando la muerte, sino avanzando con vosotros por los senderos nuevos de la Luz y de la Vida, bebiendo con embriaguez a los pies de Dios un néctar del cual nadie se saciará jamás.
AMÉN