Dear Jakey,

Thank God I started these letters. I have always had them brewing in my head and once I started writing them down I felt better. Better because I felt a direct line of communication with you. Just between you and me. And now I try to believe that the same line of communication is present. I have written so many letters to you in my head over the last few days and I am not sure what will actually come out. I switch between absolute anger and what I belive to be true hatred – anger and hatred to all those who have never lost a child. Anger and hatred to all those you never really understood our day-to-day. And in reality nobody outside of your brother or Daddy really know what our days entailed. So I sort of hate them all. But then Jake, I think of you. You did not hate people or get angry at them. You persevered. And you put up with everything and everyone. I don’t know how you did it.

And when I get over the hatred and anger for the moment, I sometimes feel proud. So proud of you. So proud to be your momma. So many people came out on Sunday to pay their respects. People flew in just for the day. People travelled to meet you for the first time. People supported your mommy and daddy. Not really because of us, but because of you.

And then the pride leaves and I am just plain sad. More than sad really. Utterly and completely and totally devastated. I picture your last 30 minutes and wishing I could change the outcome. Wishing I knew enough to know that you were dying in my arms. Wishing that it never ever happened. Wishing that I could lose that visual. Wishing it was all a bad dream.

But it is not. You died 6 days ago. I will never snuggle with you. I will never smell you. I will never watch you grow up. There will be no more pictures of you through the years on my wall. Ethan will have a school picture every year. You will only have one – last years. Prospect didn’t have their pictures yet this year so we only have last year. It kills me that Ethan will take over the school picture wall and you will only be there once. How is that even fair? It isn’t. Not even close.

So we did the best we could today – Daddy and I bought you a Christmas tree and planted it next to you. We talked to you all day and we visited with you. We brought Ethan back after school. He picked ornaments from our tree at home to put on yours and I know you love them. We read you the story of “Who Loves Ethan and Jake?”. And we hung out. Before dinner we toasted you and decided that would be a new tradition. And we try to support Ethan. He is struggling. He loves you. He misses you. He tries to understand but it is hard. Please snuggle him and support him. He needs that and he needs you.

Jake, I believe you visited me last night. Please keep doing that. I struggle at night. I guess it wasn’t just you that needed me to sleep – it was me that needed you too. I slept for a bit last night but by 2:00 was wide awake. I wonder why – that was always your wake up time. I ended up going to your room and snuggling up with your clothes on your bean bag. It was then that I felt you. I tried to breathe you in. I hope it was you. I believe it was you. I desperately need it to be you.