Dear Jakey,

Usually when I write to you I have a real purpose – something real specific I want to share with you. Today I have nothing specific but the overwhelming desire to try to connect with you in any way I can. I have our routines and all that but I have such a hard time with just missing you. I hear from others how connected they are with you and how often they see you or feel messages from you. And yet I struggle with that – me, your mama – the one who knew you best and spent the most time with you – doesn’t see or hear the cardinal as often as others or see your messages everywhere. And I guess for the most part that is probably good. I would probably question it more if I saw you all the time. And it reminds me about how your brother is so good with everyone else and I am the one who always sees the crazy. Not as much any more but that whole concept of babies being worse for their own mothers. I feel like that is what goes on with you and me now – you know I will always love you and need you and you take care of others first. But with that being said I find myself some days just overwhelmed with loss. I see our pictures and it all feels like a different lifetime. It is all so far away. And so scary. I don’t want our life to seem far away Jakey. I need to always feel you close and remember your different expressions and your touch. It scares me that I won’t. Or that I will get used to this life – this new, different life. This life that I didn’t ask for and didn’t want. I just want you back.