Dear Jakey,

I know how long it has been and I feel pretty guilty about it. I guess for a while it seemed a little easier not to write because even though I love being able to directly talk to you it has honestly been easier lately just not to. It’s not for lack of things to tell you because I have “written” many letters to you in my head. I just haven’t written them here. And part of me likes to keep them just between me and you, but then sometimes I like others to read them so that you stay in their minds too. As usual, I am all over the place my little peanut.

This year has really been zooming by. It feels like so much is going on and so much of everyday is spent with JHFH stuff. I really couldn’t ask for more because it makes me so happy how much there is to do. Everyday there are emails from families who want to help or need help and there is no end to the work I need to do to keep us moving forward. And I love that. Until I remember why JHFH takes up so much time, and it is because you aren’t here. And then it sort of just makes me sad.

This past weekend we were, or rather JHFH was chosen to be a recipient for the South High Marathon Dance. I had heard about it the last few years but was pretty blown away about how amazing it was but also how emotional it was. The teacher in me was so moved by the entire student body and staff of South High in South Glens Falls – the time and energy it takes to pull that off-year after year and to be so successful is truly spectacular. We sat there and watched the kick off, and listened to the speakers and watched the kids be so kind to each other and so selfless – and the way the kids all grouped together and seeing some special needs kids right in the pack – it gave me a renewed hope in today’s youth. It was nice to take a break from the stories of bad and bitchy behaviors that are so prevalent.  But before the dance started, we were in the recipient’s waiting room. And I got a little overwhelmed because there were so many families there who lived the life we lived when you were here. Part of me was jealous because I really wished we were there with you. I saw moms and dads hold kids the same way we held you and I watched siblings completely naturally take care of their brother and sister in ways that are so foreign to most kids but – the same way Ethan always knew when to rub your throat to help you swallow or lift your head when you couldn’t any more or any of the million other things that became reflexes to him and to us. And then after I got over my bout of jealousy, I just became sad and it was hard to stay in the moment. And I feel bad for that because it was so amazing but I just missed you so much. And it sort of all peaked because I realized how much I missed writing to you and how I need to get back on track – even with just the short, nonsense notes – they all help me feel closer to you and make the distance between us seem not so great. So many wonderful things are coming out of the SHMD – they raised almost $500,000 which is just amazing. And so many families and foundations will be helped. And  it inspired me to get my act together and get back in touch with you.

With so much love,