Sometimes, as time passes, I find myself really truly stuck. Stuck in this place where life goes on and you are not in it. Stuck between happiness and guilt. And really stuck in sadness. There is so much change happening and it all seems so strange to not have you impact any of the change. Ethan is starting 2nd grade next week. He is 7 and a half and such a bigger boy than when you were here. It seems strange that you haven’t seen the change happening, at least not from down here. And we talk about changes to the house and redoing our back deck – where we still have the wheelchair ramp out the back door even though we don’t really need it anymore. It just doesn’t seem right to remove it. We are planning trips for 2013 – we’re going to Buffalo for a football game, Daddy and I are going to the Otesaga where you were with us last, we have Disney in October, NYC in November and Montreal in December. It seems overwhelming that life is moving along down here and how much time has passed since we have cuddled up, or since I made keto meals or gave meds or researched diseases and cures. And so long since you made a face at me, or I bought you tons of cute clothes. I still get a little weepy when I walk by the little boy sections in stores – no more hipster tees for me to buy you. Sometimes I want to buy them and sometimes I buy random things but then it just seems weird and I don’t really know where to put them. I wonder if this new normal people talk about will ever seem normal. It still sometimes feels like I am on the outside looking in on this new life of ours.
But enough of that talk, I don’t want to make you sad. I just want you to know how important and integral you remain in our everyday life. We all think of you more than you can imagine and I think we each all still have moments each day when we just pause and can’t really believe you are gone. I love you so much and miss your perfect little face so much. I miss your keto breath, even when it was strong and stinky. I miss your sneer when I bugged you or hugged you too hard. I miss you on my arm at night. I miss it all. So very much.