Dear Jakey,
Another day that I missed you. A few weeks ago I think I wrote that it didn’t seem quite as sharp, like I didn’t feel as though my breath was taken away as much. Today was weird. My breath got taken away a couple of times today. I didn’t like it. It just sometimes feels so unreal. I think its more that I just sometimes can’t accept what happened. I can’t accept that you are gone and that you died on my watch. It just sucks.
At spin today I had a moment where my breath was really taken away. These flashes just come before me and I pictured you on my lap right before you died. And I was just so very sad. And I couldn’t stop the tears from sneaking out. It didn’t really matter because I was sweaty and everyone was having their own issues but it just made me so sad. I hate thinking about that night. I hate the pictures that flash in front of me. I hate that moment when I knew things were bad and I couldn’t change it.
The song that was playing while all this was happening was that superman kryptonite song. I have always liked it and I was trying to make sense of the lyrics as it pertained to the way I was feeling. There were parts that I felt I was singing to you and part that I felt you were singing to me. I just pictured you in your superman shirt. And I thought about the lines about holding my hand and keeping you by my side and I just missed you. I love you so very much my superman.
If I go crazy then will you still
Call me Superman
If I’m alive and well will you be
There holding my hand
I’ll keep you by my side with my
Superhuman might
Kryptonite
– 3 Doors Down
Love,
Mommy