Dear Jakey,

Another day that I missed you. A few weeks ago I think I wrote that it didn’t seem quite as sharp, like I didn’t feel as though my breath was taken away as much. Today was weird. My breath got taken away a couple of times today. I didn’t like it. It just sometimes feels so unreal. I think its  more that I just sometimes can’t accept what happened. I can’t accept that you are gone and that you died on my watch. It just sucks.

At spin today I had a moment where my breath was really taken away. These flashes just come before me and I pictured you on my lap right before you died. And I was just so very sad. And I couldn’t stop the tears from sneaking out. It didn’t really matter because I was sweaty and everyone was having their own issues but it just made me so sad. I hate thinking about that night. I hate the pictures that flash in front of me. I hate that moment when I knew things were bad and I couldn’t change it.

The song that was playing while all this was happening was that superman kryptonite song. I have always liked it and I was trying to make sense of the lyrics as it pertained to the way I was feeling. There were parts that I felt I was singing to you and part that I felt you were singing to me. I just pictured you in your superman shirt. And I thought about the lines about holding my hand and keeping you by my side and I just missed you. I love you so very much my superman.

If I go crazy then will you still
Call me Superman
If I’m alive and well will you be
There holding my hand
I’ll keep you by my side with my
Superhuman might

– 3 Doors Down