So much to tell you my little man. First off, I miss you so much. A few times today I got that feeling where my chest tightens up and I can’t breathe. I haven’t had that one as often lately and I don’t like the way that feels. It is almost like total desperation mixed with utter disbelief. Not a good combination.
But some nice things have happened. Yesterday, we got a package from some of your docs at MGH. It was an amazing basket filled with so many books, DVDs, frames, CDs, and journals. Specific items for me, Daddy and Ethan. And what is great is that it is all stuff that we haven’t received yet. It is pretty amazing to me that with all the things people have given us everything is unique. And helpful. It is almost like people knew that Ethan was struggling now and like a gift from God – all of these resources appeared to help Daddy and I help him. And things to help us too.
And then today, there was a package that Miss Bridget ordered for us. She had a flower from your burial service sent to a woman who crushed it and turned it into beautiful rosary beads. And the woman who made it sent a poem that helped her when she lost her child. It goes like this:
Don’t Tell Me by Judi Walker
Please don’t tell me you know how I feel,
Unless you have lost your child too,
Please don’t tell me my broken heart will heal,
Because that is just not true,
Please don’t tell me my son is in a better place,
Though it is true, I want him here with me,
Don’t tell me someday I’ll hear his voice, see his face,
Beyond today I cannot see,
Don’t tell me it is time to move on.
Because I cannot,
Don’t tell me to face the fact that he is gone,
Because denial is something I can’t stop,
Don’t tell me to be thankful for the time I had,
Because I wanted more,
Don’t tell me when I am my old self you will be glad,
I’ll never be as I was before,
What you can tell me is you will be here for me,
That you will listen when I talk of my child,
You can share with me my precious memories,
You can even cry with me for a while,
And please don’t hesitate to say his name,
Because it is something I long to hear everyday,
Friend please realize that I can never be the same,
But if you stand by me, you may like the new person I become someday.
I thought that summed things up pretty nicely. And pretty accurately. I love you so very much and miss you more than you can even imagine. The hole in my heart is just as big as ever. Daddy gets home in a few hours – hopefully his plane from Chicago is on time – and I can’t wait. It is too hard having him away without you here.
Lots of love,