Dear Jakey,

I realized it has been a few days since I’ve written. Not really sure why. Boston was rough. A decent enough family visit but I just don’t really enjoy being there. I am sure we will get used to it again ,but it left me, and I think all of us, a little out of sorts. And then I just hate having nothing new to say to you. Sometimes it feels like just more of the same. You know I miss you so damn much and that I love you even more than that. It continues to be this whole new life I am getting used to and trying to navigate and some days are better than others. And some days are utter crap.

But today, I had a moment. Not really a moment of clarity but something like it. Ethan has been on this kick of playing swords. He and Daddy have played a couple of times over the last few days. And yesterday he played with Cait pretty much the moment she arrived. And today he asked me to play. Now I don’t usually do that. You know that. It is almost like I got so in the habit of saying no because I was holding you or feeding you or getting ready for therapy or whatever that I just never really made time for that kind of play with Ethan. And because I knew he would get it with other people, I always just saved other types of things for my time with him. But anyways, today he asked and without really paying attention, I agreed. And as I was sword fighting up and down the hall, in and out of the therapy room (we still call it that) and throughout the TV room I had my moment. In that moment, I thought of you. I pictured you watching us and I pictured you happy. And in that second, I wanted to cry because I missed you so much. And for some reason me running through the house with Ethan, waving a sword around represented so much – so much that I lost but also so much that I gained in a way. A whole new outlook and relationship with Ethan. So while I hate the way I am learning these lessons, I appreciate them. And I will keep you as close to my heart as possible while I try new things, even if it involves swords.

With so much love,