Dear Jakey,
The strangest thing just happened. I was washing dishes – thinking about you. Daddy had just dropped us off from lunch. He called on his way up from Albany and asked if we wanted to meet for a quick lunch and we did. It was a nice treat, but of course ,it then made me a little sad. It reminded me that those kind of impromptu treats are able to happen because you aren’t with us. At lunch (we went to Circus) Ethan was particularly clingy and has been for the last few days. It made me think a little while we were there if it had anything to do with you. Which brings me back to washing dishes just a few moments ago. He was riding his scooter in the kitchen (he still does that) and he asked me what day it was when you died – Saturday or Sunday. I told him it was Wednesday. He was surprised that it was a school day. I talked about the day – about how you were with Cait after school and that I took him to tae kwon do. I told him that you were having a hard time and that when I was trying to give you your meds you spewed up that brown stuff and I told him that was when he called 911. He asked about the brown stuff again. He asked what you had eaten that was brown. And I told him nothing. I didn’t tell him what I really think it was – I always think of it as death. That that was when you told me it was over. He asked if it was poop. I said it wasn’t but we talked about how those last few days were extra hard and that your body was just so tired. And you didn’t poop or really even pee that last day. We talked about how it wasn’t a tired like we get but a deeper, much harder tired from all the work you had to do. We talked about how we don’t even think about holding our heads up but how hard you had to work to do it. And we talked about just how hard it all was for you. And then he said that you were so good at sleeping. And I said how I missed sleeping next to you. And so does he. And we talked about cuddling. Ethan said you were the best cuddler in our family. And he is right. He said that you were better than me and Daddy combined. And he is probably right. Actually he is right. We miss you so much. Every minute of every day.
Love,
Mommy