Dear Jakey,

I found a video today of you on an old digital Canon camera. It was quite an ordeal to get the battery charged so that I could see what was on it and then once I got the camera turned on it took me a while to figure out how to scroll through the pictures and videos. I was on a hunt for videos of you, I know they exist but so much time has passed that the world of technology has changed several times over. It doesn’t help that I am now on the older side of understanding it all, so everything just takes me so much longer than it should. But I also don’t entirely blame myself. Nothing uses the same cords, the older things don’t talk to the newer things, and all things technology are just more complicated than they should be, at least to me.

Anyway, all that to say I finally got the old digital camera to come to life. And it was filled with pictures from your last Halloween. The one where you were a vampire and Ethan was a knight. He loved wheeling you around in your chair and also poking you with his sword. Those pictures continued through the rest of the fall. Up to when you broke your femur and had to be in the red spica cast. And then on to great pictures that I had forgotten all about – the ones with you, Ethan, and Sarena all wearing reindeer antlers. You mostly looked annoyed by them but I also caught a few smiles. We have pictures of decorating the tree, and the house. But then there was nothing until 12/17/10 – when Daddy, Ethan, and I went to the North Pole to see Santa. When we needed to get out of the house, and somehow still be decent parents to Ethan. 9 days after you left us. 4 days after we buried you.

As I continued to scroll and really pay attention to the timeline of what was captured on this camera, I also saw a video, one random video that was in early October. I am not sure why I even took it other than you were looking really cute. You had just had your two front teeth pulled and I always thought that made you look even sweeter. You were looking at me with super big eyes – those eyes where we were always a little worried about what was happening from a neuro point of view – but also eyes that locked into me. And you were making noises and I realized just how long it has been since I heard the sounds of you. Or saw those big brown eyes of yours look up at me.

But I guess that is just how it goes. Time is a thief either way you look at it because part of me feels this same way when I think about your big brother. Yes, I still get to see him quite a bit but he just turned 19 yesterday. 19!?!?! Can you believe it? This is his last year as a teenager. Some days it all just leaves me foggy and today is one of those days.

Until we meet again,