Dear Jakey,

More snow today. Ethan had a two-hour delay. In a weird way it worked out well because I got up early anyways to work out. And then Auntie Yvette is visiting so Ethan roped her into some beyblade battles. I finally sat down at my desk to tackle the chaos that it had become. I knew there was so much to organize and look through but I also knew that there would be things that would make me sad. I wasn’t sure what they would be but I just knew there was so much of you there. And sure enough there was. I wasn’t sure what would be the hardest to find and it always seems strange what it is that sets me off. It was your red folder that I kept full of monthly calendars. The calendars that for the month were on the fridge for me to mark off when you pooped, if you puked, your weight, med changes and all the other things I had to keep track of day-to-day. It was all there. And the weird thing was that I looked at it and could remember it all so vividly. And I remember getting so frustrated when Daddy wouldn’t mark your weight on the calendar on the fridge. It hindsight, it wasn’t that big of a deal but all I knew as important was about you and if you were gaining or losing, keeping it down or getting it out. And now I miss it. All of it.

After finding that I couldn’t go through any more. I ended up just filling a huge storage box. It has all of the cards and letters we have received. So many Jake. And they still come in from time to time. And all the stuff. The doctor letters, the keto recipes, the test results, the insurance approvals, so much stuff. In time I will make a scrapbook. I want to but just haven’t done it yet. And I expect it will take time. And time is something I need to have more of. Days somehow manage to fly by. Life still seems a little like a dream. Like I am going through the motions in a play where I forgot my part.

Much love,