Happy 4th of July in Heaven buddy. It is funny how so many things this year are so wrapped up in you. And the more time that passes, the harder it gets. Our transition to summer hasn’t been easy. It is so hard navigating life without you here. What has turned out pretty good though is that on particularly hard days we have seemed to have some good things happening with the foundation. We’ve gotten some more applications in and are working on another fundraiser. And everyone wants to help. But while sometimes it takes the sting away or lessons the sharpness – it just doesn’t stop my tears out of nowhere or the closing up in my chest feeling or the taking away of my breath. It still happens and that is when I am happy for my big sunglasses. Sometimes it is the only way to keep things private. Or at least between you and me.
We have had a very low-key weekend so far. And we really needed it. Without words sometimes I think Daddy, Ethan and I just need to be on our own and recognize the loss of you. Or at least I do. It is like we need the time to get used to the devastating blow our family has been dealt since you left us. And everything we do is different now. And knowing that the next few weeks are filled with things that make that difference so very clear makes it even more necessary to have some down time.
On Friday Daddy and I are going to Montreal. What is weird about it is we are going on July 8th – which exactly two years ago – on July 8, 2009 , we all went for the first time to Montreal as a family. And we totally fell in love with it. We loved being there with you and Ethan and had such an amazing time. We were so comfortable with you there and in a way that trip was a big step for our family. It broke us out of the mold of only ever going to Boston or NYC with you. It got us ready to do more. And it was awesome. But now we are going for very different reasons – great reasons but just different. We are going to U2 with Miss Kelly and Mark. And it just represents the change – because if you were here we probably wouldn’t have gone. It would have been t00 much and too hard to leave you while we went to Montreal without you. And this is just so symbolic of things we can do now – we can go away with other grown ups for the weekend. We can go see concerts again. I was thinking over the last 6 years we’ve barely seen any concerts – I think only Prince and Bret Michaels. That seems so strange but hardly noticeable in the scheme of things and our life. And now we are seeing U2, Poison and Motley Crue (you know your mommy always liked the 80’s hair bands) and Elton John. And who knows probably some more shows at SPAC just cause we can. Anyways, it just seems like we never asked for things to be different and I never really meant any complaining I did about not being able to do things and know that we can I am not always sure how to feel.
I just miss you so much. I used to miss the Argentina you or the healthy you when you were here. It is funny though that I don’t really ever think about that you anymore. I just think about you as you were when we snuggled and when I fed you and when my biggest job was keeping you healthy and safe. I picture you laying next to me. And I picture that face when I would smother you with kisses and you wanted me to back off. I picture dressing you and all the cool clothes you used to wear with such attitude. You really could rock anything. And I was in the Gap the other day and while I try to avoid your section I had to cross it to go to the dressing room and I saw so many things I would have bought you. Particularly these socks that had the heart tattoo with mom written in it. I almost bought them anyways but then I thought it was a little weird. So I didn’t but know that I picture you in them. I might have even bought them in a big size to wrap around your neck thing.
So, my peanut, I think of you always – seemingly more each day. I will think of you in Montreal (which incidentally will also be the 7 month date of you leaving me) and I will think of you today in town. I am grateful for the cardinals that we see and that Ethan sees everywhere. And I am grateful that he is comfortable to just talk out loud to you like he did last night on the couch. I am devastated by your loss but grateful for your spirit and am trying so hard to keep the faith.