Dear Jakey,

It’s funny how sometimes life just moves so fast. I don’t know if it has to do with getting older or what but I seem to get sucked into the vortex of time passing by. The days kind of blur together in the chaos of daily life. And I try to stop everything and have time for you each day. It is often by best moments or at least the moments where I can stop the whirlwind of time. I swam laps in the pool yesterday. And I got lost in my thoughts about you. Good thoughts.

Sometimes though I am forced to think about you and it isn’t with good thoughts. I woke up this morning before 5 at the tail end of an awful dream. And I wonder sometimes why I remember so vividly the bad dreams but have to fight to remember the details of the good ones. This morning’s was brutal and it wasn’t even people I knew and it wasn’t even your face. But it was a baby dying. And it was watching the poor little guy who I will never ever knew die. He was choking, kind of what I imagine happens inside when you aspirate. And I couldn’t stop it. And then he struggled a bit more and then he died. And after that I couldn’t go back to sleep. The dying baby dreams will never get easier. It leaves me feeling like I didn’t do enough.

Some days are harder than others to keep it together. Sometimes I can do it fairly easily, and others not so much. I still struggle to understand how life keeps passing along without you in it. But then today Ethan told Daddy that it was going to be the best day ever. He has field day and the championship game tonight. He is happy. And as I write you, he wants me to snuggle on the couch with him. Which I am going to do now. And when I close my eyes I will picture you with us. Just like the good ole days.