Dear Jakey,

I have found myself spending lots of time in my self-imposed time outs lately. Not because of anything particular, more because I am missing you extra and finding it a little difficult to think other things really matter. And I have come to realize over time when I am in these moods that keeping to myself is best. And with that comes some good things, like remembering such good times with you. And also remembering some really scary times with you – the times only a few people really understand, actually really only daddy understands. Those times in the middle of the night when everything was so scary, when we weren’t sure what to do and knew you were uncomfortable or suffering and nothing we did helped. And then when people would share their stories of not sleeping well and I couldn’t help but be aggravated because they didn’t really understand that particular fear. And then when that particular fear comes true it is more than people can relate to and usually more than people want to talk about. And sometimes all I want is to talk about you so then it leads me to my time outs.

And I have been spending time talking to other families in similar situation. Not necessarily people who have lost their lovebugs, but those living the life we lived with you. I miss that life so much, as hard as it was, it was perfect for us. And I miss it. But then there comes a time in some of these families lives where their lovebug dies too. And that is when I really struggle with understanding why. It just seems so unfair and my heart breaks every time I follow a story that ends with parents burying their little peanut. I will never understand it.

I miss you so much. And your namesake, Jake Muffin, too. He busted out and we need help. Help him find us or help us find him. Either way but we are getting nervous about finding him. We can’t lose him too!