Dear Jakey,

It’s funny because I was waiting so long for the 8th to pass and now it has. And I am not sure what I expected but nothing is different. Passing that milestone makes nothing easier, nothing better, nothing at all different. It makes me think that it will always be like this. I guess I know that it will always be this way but sometimes I just try to will it to be different. We had such a good weekend in Lake Placid. And you were in the forefront of all of our thoughts. And then we came home and as I did laundry and did some work, I came back to reality. The reality that you were gone and how terrible it sounds and feels that you have been gone over a year. As we went to say goodnight to you, I was struck by that same pit in my stomach feeling that I have had so often since 12/8/10. I remembered that on this Sunday a year ago we had your wake. So many people came and the whole day was so surreal. And a year ago I didn’t know the worst was yet to come – I was naive enough to think that I was already in the worst part of it. The worst part came tomorrow – after the mass, after Daddy spoke and when we had to carry you to the hearse. And before we could carry you, they had to close the coffin. And that was the moment I realized that I would never touch you or kiss you or see you in person ever again. And that was and continues to be the absolute worst. I can’t even begin to fathom it a year later. I would give everything I own to be able to be back in time – and even if I couldn’t go back to you alive, I would go back to those days sitting with you at Tunison. At least I could touch you.