So it finally happened, I think. Last night was another horrible night of sleep. I am not sure what happened, I was doing okay but then it turned a few days back and sleep started to suck again. Everything has started to suck again. It is just so hard. But that is not the point, the point is that I am thanking you – for finally visiting me. Did you purposefully wait until Daddy was away? Miss Sharon thinks so. It would be just like you to wait until I needed you most. And last night was painfully hard. Harder than I thought. Every time Daddy has been away we always would have a big snugglefest. Just you, me and Ethan. Only this time it was only me and Ethan and it was painfully obvious to us both. Anyways, I thank you. At 2:27 this morning I wrote down “I am so tired of being in my body”. It is what you told me last night. And then I got to hold you until you passed. I woke up knowing there was more but couldn’t remember it but I was able to write down the words you told me. They may not make sense to everyone but they mean the world to me. I know that last femur break and spica cast was just too f’n much. You were so brave and strong but I know that everyone must have a breaking point. I understand what you told me and know that you are now at peace. Although I understand, i just miss you so much.
Yesterday I tried to write to you a bunch of times but it just never came out right. It probably won’t now either but I wanted to tell you about things. I wanted to tell you that because of you I have made new friends and have closer relationships with others. I had lunch with Tina yesterday and am grateful that you brought us together. You gave Mommy a great new friend who turns out to like the same things – working out a lot and enjoying the cocktails. We really are two peas in a pod and I am grateful you brought us together. In addition to new friendships you have made old friendships better. I couldn’t wait to tell Briana today about the dream last night and was able to cry with her. And I love telling stuff to Sharon while we do our “training” sessions. And last night, Abue came over for to hang out and it was just nice. I am so much more appreciative of what is here now – I know loss more intimately than I care to share and I know to appreciate every moment.
So Jakey, I miss you so much. I know what you meant last night. I know that last femur break must have just taken everything you had. I can admit to you that it took a lot from me too. I think only Daddy knows how scared it made me. I couldn’t imagine a life with you out of the cast and that fragile. Of course, I would have taken that life over the life I know have without you. But it doesn’t matter – this is where we are now – and just now that I love you to pieces. I miss you desperately and I can’t wait until we are reunited.
Always and Forever,