Dear Jakey,

I have been dying to write you for days but I have noticed that sometimes it gets even harder to keep you in the loop. And then I had another one of my epiphanies. As each month goes by it seems like there are a couple of weeks where I do okay and then as we approach the 8th I get a little antsy and anxious. I hate that the time just passes on and no matter what we do to honor you or remember you or whatever none of it really helps. We still have to go visit you at your grave. And talk into the air, hoping you hear. Last night, when we went over to say goodnight to you I got so sad. There is so much sadness, death and tragedy going around now and I can’t help but get sort of angry about it. I have such little tolerance for people who don’t seem to truly understand the finality of death. And that there are no guarantees that there is time in the world to make amends or change. There just isn’t. I think of how on the morning of December 8, 2010 I woke up to my regular life with you. And when I went to bed on December 8th, 2010 you had already left to go to Heaven. And I didn’t have any idea that would happen. And for the rest of my life I need to live without you. And it makes me sad that all around there are people who don’t get that.

Monday will be 8 months. And then next week we go to Plum Island. And then Ethan starts school in a few weeks – can you believe he will be in 1st grade? And it makes me sad that we start all these other milestones without you. He should be starting 1st grade and you should be starting Kindergarten. The summer is just going by and I keep thinking of all the things that we do that you did with us. Today we are taking Sarena to the track. And it seems wrong to not be pushing you in the red mountain buggy. And yesterday, at the farmer’s market, it hit me that what was missing was you. And the stroller. There is just such a void in everything that we do.

With so much love, my little peanut,