Happy Valentine’s Day, my love bug.

I keep picturing you in that silly valentine’s day headband thing with bouncy hearts that I bought you last year. You were pretty damn cute. I wish you were here rocking it again.

I went to spin today. It made me realize how protected I was in the beginning of all this and how very grateful I am for my friends and my hubby who kept me from really having to interact with people.Now that I branch out on my own I run into people all the time that ask about you and then I have to tell them what happened. Or people see me for the first time and say they are sorry. Or they don’t know what to say. Today was no exception. I went to spin and saw Kim, Xavier’s wife. That was actually really nice because I told her how much I miss Xavier. I know he was your buddy but he was mine too and I miss him. And then I saw Caroline who was really quite kind about it all but still, it just sucks. And then I was wondering if Andrea knew. And then I saw Lisa and Lisa asked about you. She wanted to know how you were doing and I had to tell her you passed away. I hate saying it out loud. And I hate how I have to be sort of blunt and then watching people’s face is just tragic. And it got me thinking that I still have to tell Dr. Yaman and Elisa. I just need to do it. Not today since it is Valentine’s Day but I should just do it tomorrow.

I am trying to take my sadness and flip it around – it really is incredible how many people in my daily life ask about you and cared about you. Not my close friends or family but just people around town, people I see at spin or at the grocery story or at yoga. Or just friends of friends. We live in a small town and there is no escaping it. It is a good thing I know and I know being out and about is better than hiding at home. I just wish I didn’t have to tell people you died. Just because I wish you weren’t dead.