Dear Jakey,
I promised to do better but haven’t. I have talked to you more lately—more than a long time. And I am writing more but somehow the two haven’t joined forces for me to write more to you. I think it is sometimes because I feel like I don’t know you anymore. When I came to terms with you being 18 and not forever 4 it felt good at first. But now it feels funny. Like what are you like as a young adult? What were those teenage years like for you? Is age even a thing where you are?
I can only think of you as my little chubby buddy. I can’t picture you any other way lately. And when I try to I find myself picturing a version of Ethan. And while you guys always had so much alike you also had considerable differences. He was born long and thin. You were born shorter and heavier. You were, and are, each uniquely your own people.
And this is what is bringing me down my latest spiral and has me all wrapped up in my sadness and anger and all the feels. Senior pictures. They are everywhere. On Facebook, on Instagram, and in conversations. And they have been for the last few months. I couldn’t put my finger on why this year all of a sudden it was bothering me. I loved senior photos when it was Ethan’s time around and seeing what people chose what to wear and where to have them done. I loved seeing other kids that I have known for a long time.
At first, I attributed it to just feeling melancholy about the passage of time. But then it struck me. This was your year for senior pictures. Your year to smile, or not smile. Your year to pose. Your year for me to dress you up in however we felt would best match your personality.
Or maybe by then meds would have made a difference and you would have been more active in your life and had more opinions. When I talked to Jeff on the podcast we touched on how if you could have just held on a little longer, maybe the changes in the world would have eased your life. And I think about how in some ways right before you died you were having the best days. What if you just held on a little longer? Would a new med have helped? Would the equipment have helped? Would you just have grown through some of it? Maybe you were in the worst of it and the best was yet to come?
But either way, one thing is for sure. Your senior portrait would have been epic.
Love,
Mom