Dear Jakey,

Tomorrow is your birthday. You would have been 5. Well, I guess you will be 5, just not here. It kind of feels like when you first died. All I really want to be is with Daddy. And I am having a hard time focusing and getting anything done. I don’t really know how to handle it. We should be in NYC now, celebrating your birthday together. And I feel like there is so much to do but I can’t really do it. My focus is way off. And I really just want to chill. I don’t want to talk about it. I just want to be.

You already started getting stuff. Kate wrote you a beautiful letter and sent a very cute card. It made me cry. You had such a significant impact on people. And people are still so profoundly impacted by you. You’re amazing.

Tomorrow I will spend with Daddy. Ethan will go to school. And we will figure out a tradition. It isn’t quite hammered out yet but we’ll figure it out. I miss you buddy. I hope you have a good time up there tomorrow. And let us know you are okay. I forgot to thank you for playing your music puzzle from Kate when we went to see you before the fundraiser. It was awesome. And may just be what made me strong enough to face the day.